Tuesday, August 2, 2011

An apology.....

Editor's Note: Upon reviewing our last post, it has been decided, and I will try to state this gently for the sake of my own tender feelings, that the preceding pathetic collection of words must be the WORST attempt at writing ever attempted by literate man. The prose was pitiful, the captions criminal, and the diction dreadful. For that, I apologize to anyone who was brave enough to read it. 

The only excuse to offer up is the fact that my wife was gone on a two week trip to visit her parents, and had carried off the child to deepen the pain of her absence. This plunged me into a profound despondency from which there was no escape. As an attempt to mollify all readers who wish to place my head on a stake, as a warning to all other writers who would dare to so offend their sophisticated palates, I offer up this: a bit of humorous writing, in an effort to expunge my past wrongs.

In the hallway of our house, which is very much like any other hallway, and containing doors from which to pass from the intermediate existence of the hallway into the much more practicable location of another room, we have one particular door who behaves in a way that is unbecoming to a good natured door. It does, in fact, act so contrary as to close itself, even when it has been placed in an open position by those with more sense than itself. Much effort has gone into explaining to this door that if it wishes to be known as a pleasant sort of aperture that it should yield to the guiding hand of us, his owners. Every known communication method has been used, all to no effect, both weeping and gnashing of teeth, and soft rebukes, and yet this portal between rooms continues to deport itself with much impropriety.

We asked ourselves, “What should be done with such a headstrong hatchway?”, and such is the case with these matters, a solution did not immediately present itself. However, after additional suffering caused by going through the door to fetch an item, and finding that it has closed behind your entrance, leaving your arms full of that which was fetched, it was determined that a plan had to be developed. That plan was though up, assessed and enacted in such swift succession as to almost seem as one action, but it should really be thought of as three distinct actions.

Close at hand during one of these bouts of contrariness was a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale. This bottle, merely from the fact that it was within easy reach, found itself drafted into the post of using its personal values of mass and the associated weight given to it by gravity, as a method of keeping the door in a state of immobility, at least past a certain point, namely the edge of the bottle. For this fact we are much indebted to those who decided to place Newcastle Brown Ale in a glass bottle, rather than in, plastic bags, for example. A plastic bag would have rendered this action ineffectual, as the difference in weight found between plastic and glass, combined with the malleability of a plastic bag should make clear. Despite the frangibility of glass, the higher chance of possible punctures in the plastic would also have proven distressing, given the wanderlust nature of liquids which are not properly contained.

  Now, there are those who will tell you that the intrinsic value of such a beverage, in its drinkable nature, beckons it to a higher calling than that of a counterbalance to an unruly door, and that there are many more suitable items, yea, even specifically designed items, which could serve this purpose. To this charge I answer that the value of a Newcastle Brown Ale is quite subjective, and while one person would view many other beverages in glass containers better endowed, merely by a lack of another endowment,  to take its place, the subjective value to me does not make it so, and that the effort to locate a replacement is not outweighed by the limited enjoyment I would receive in this bottle being put to another task.

Another remonstrance that has been voiced is that the presence of an alcoholic beverage in as frequently accessed an area as a hallway, gives an air of alcoholism to the house, or at least an uncomfortably lax view in regards to such subjects. This charge is unwarranted, for two reasons, one of which is that if it were secreted away in a closet, and discovered with a great number of its contemporaries, that fact of mere density would do more damage to the reputation of the house, and that scattering such intoxicating beverages around the general area, actually softens the blow, rather than a cabinet dedicated to its kind. The other reason is that if such a disparaging view was true, the task of said bottle would be in jeopardy, as it would likely find itself replaced by some undrinkable counterpart, in an effort to satisfy such unhealthy appetites, should they indeed exist, which they do not.

That is not to be said that the bottle is safe against the attentions of outside parties, and there are several factors which we have taken to keep it in place, which seem to have been successful, as it has maintained its post for the last twelve months. The primary guard is the constant lukewarm nature in which this Newcastle Brown Ale constantly finds itself. This guards against the casual passerby desiring to slake their thirst upon an unsuspecting, and importantly occupied bottle, such as itself. The other is that during long duration visits from dangerous parties, sacrificial substitutions are to be found in a chilled state, and close at hand. There are some that say the thick layer of dust on the exterior portions of the bottle also offer some safety, though I am unsure as to the validity of this claim.

You now have the story and reasoning behind the presence of a Newcastle Brown Ale in our hallway, and the above paragraphs prove that even the simplest of circumstances can be explained with the most complex of rationale.


Anonymous said...

You're right. This WAS the worst thing I've ever read. In fact, I couldn't even finish it!!

dawn beardmore said...

With your practical application, I believe you have just rendered the unsavory reputation of an alcoholic beverage inadmissible.
And about your supposedly unacceptable post, much consideration should be taken with you wife and beloved daughter out of town.
I had the privilege of meeting your lovely wife and beloved daughter while they were visiting her family and I expressed great shock at her being away for so long. I was there only for the weekend and struggled with being away from my beloved husband for that amount of time. she expressed how difficult it was for both of you.
enjoy reading your posts and seeing the wonderful picture of your most adorable family

JB said...

Ah, Benamin, your writing continues to awe me. It reminds me so of your Father writing a full page about his left foot when you and Thomas, stressed with a school writing assignment, sat dumbfounded at your empty pieces of paper, with not a thought in your head as to what to impart upon the paper.

For anyone who is unable to finish this marvelous piece of prose, I would encourage them to try to just persevere as it gets even better at the end. Unfortunately our society is rampant with quick technological advances that make the ability to sit and read obsolete. How sad Dickens, paid by the word, would be.

Sorry TJ & DE, the bottle is dusty, off-limits and now a family heirloom.

Well done on the writing my son; I can see that you, Tiff and Gus are all "back" into the swing of things.

Love you all, Mumsie/Grandmum

Anthony said...

A very scrupulous post Ben. I enjoyed reading this post and have been challenged to carefully examine the quality of my vocabulary.:) Apology accepted!:) Thanks for sharing some insight on your doorstop.

P.S. Have you by any chance been reading Charles Dickens lately?

Anton, Esq. to be

Mikaela said...

Your last post was certainly not to my taste, but you did succeed at humor in this latest post. I'm somewhat dizzy, though, from following the contortions of your logic and the complexity of your phrasing. ;-)

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